the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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