he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
