I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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