I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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