my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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