is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
