she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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