is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
