I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
