You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
