i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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