He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The feeling are messing with the penis
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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