ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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