My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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