i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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