So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
