i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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