someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
