all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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