After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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