Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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