Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
