U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
