Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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