I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
