she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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