time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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