Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
