so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize