he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
FUCK WHALES
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
