I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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