tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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