He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
