you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
