Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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