Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
May the power of my ass compel you!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
