I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
