Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
