Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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