I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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