You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
