Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
