We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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