Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am one with the molecules
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
