How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
