Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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