so that wasnt chicken after all
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I believe in your delicious
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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