Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
