Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh god it's open bar.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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