I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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