Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
