I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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