This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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