i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
