if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
