god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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