I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
