Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
