My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
