I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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