I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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